Chapter 20: Resolve

Staring into the sky. Staring into nothing. Staring into the morning sun and all hope was falling. I kept on thinking these phrases over and over in my head as I sat in the cave. The flaming orb was high in the sky, dominating the shadowy areas with its brilliant rays. I turned away from it. Why even bother facing the light? Over the past few days, I had been pondering about my life. I tried to explain, to depict it in every way using every method that I had known... But I couldn't understand, couldn't understand why I should live like this. I couldn't understand why I was this unique, this much different from everyone else. Yes, I had been wondering about that ever since I had grown these wings. I still couldn't comprehend the profound meaning in all this... this chaotic state.

Wings... My wings. Light gray with such softness that I could swear they were pillows. The feathers were long, abundant, and elegant. They were the life. They were part of me and I part of them. To be separated from them meant death for me. I felt free with them when I flied, flied away from all troubles, confusions, anger, frustrations, and much more. I gently held one feather in my fingers. They were like children to me. They had come from inside of my body and they had comforted me during hard times. Sighing, I closed my eyes.

As I heard the roaring sound of the sea outside, the salty smell of water floated into the cavern. It was dazzling white. A soft glow of curtained sparks. How long had I been living out in the wilderness, alone most of the time? Five, six years? More perhaps? Time had gotten so fast, so slick that I couldn't grasp it. It slithered out through the openings between my fingers. How long had I been suffering, blaming the faults to everyone else but me? I chuckled mildly. Yeah... It was all their misdeeds, never was mine. I smiled as images began to appear inside my dark, inescapable mind. Mom, Dad, Jake, Rohene... and John. The people in the laboratory. The officers. The old man in the subway station. The civilians in the busy streets. I blew passed by all of them, hoping to forget them all. In the end, what had I gotten? Nothing. Nothing but emptiness and eternal lightlessness that only I was able to understand and experience. There was a period when I felt so depressed, so sick of myself, that I attempted to commit suicide. Why did they help me? Why was everyone going against me? Why?

Then, I realized that it wasn't their fault. It was mine all along. In my state of denial, in my state of bafflement, of resentment, that I couldn't see clearly or think clearly. Still... even if I had the time to recall all those incidents, all those horrors and anguish, I couldn't understand why such fate had befallen upon me. Such a deep and apprehensive thought. Such mystery. A seagull came flying through the opening of the cave. Its snowy white body was covered with water beads, glittering in the sunlight. Apparently it had hunted a good meal in the sea. I glanced at it with my green eyes. It looked at me in return. Just when I was about to ignore it, it came closer to me. Finally, with a peck, it required my attention. I scoffed as I glared at it. What, now even wild birds wanted to torment me?

It cried out a tone and jumped onto my legs. Nuzzling its head against my bare chest, it promptly sat down. I stared at it, amazed at how it was not afraid of me. It was pretty sad, actually, to see that all humans had shunned away from me, yet, birds did not fear me at all. I guessed that with my wings, they considered me the same species as they were. Totally, completely, wrong. I was still a human inside though my outer appearance was different. I was still a human. I was, right? Right? I questioned myself over and over. I was still a human, wasn't I? I smiled bitterly. No one could ever say that to me. Druni might said so, but no. I could feel the disgust, the hatred, in her voice when she talked to me. It wasn't my fault at all. It was all her fault. It was everyone's fault. Everyone was responsible for what I had become as of today. Their fault!

I gritted my teeth as I closed my eyes tightly. There I went again. Scolding others except myself. I took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. My hand was caressing the bird. So warm... So snug... When I linked my mind to it, I could feel nothing but joy. Things that only humans could encounter didn't annoy the seagull. All I could see was the sky. The vast, navy colored sky with limitless space and freedom. Up there, it was like an entire world of my own. No noise, no voice, but only poise existed. Only silence existed. Only my soul existed. To sum everything up, it was my fault instead. I had been chafed with myself. Ever since a long time ago, I had always thought that no one liked me. I had always thought that if I could be angrier, more pathetic in a way, people would start to notice me and take me into their fervent arms. I had always been pessimistic about my life and I still was. I couldn't change my personality, my character. It had imprinted onto me for such an extended period that I could do nothing but feeling sorry for myself. Was that how it went? Feeling regretful? Wasn't life supposed to be rid of remorse? Wasn't life supposed to be filled with energy?

Unfortunately, I didn't see that sooner. I didn't comprehend it sooner. I was being stupid. One after another, people had to suffer because of me, ME! If only I weren't existing on this forsaken planet, no one would feel heartbroken or suffer from grief! It was me, me all along. John wouldn't have to give up his job because of me if I hadn't interfered his life with my own problems, problems that I needed to solve by myself. Rohene wouldn't feel frustrated if only I hadn't acted like a complete moron by trying to kill myself. She wouldn't have cried for me! Druni wouldn't be banished from her own peaceful village if it weren't because of me! She wouldn't feel enrage or hurt by my selfish comments and replies! She would have lived a prosper life, with another male as her husband! People around me were hurt both emotionally and physically because of my reckless actions. Properties had been damaged because of my destruction. How many had to writhe in pain and disappointment before I was satisfied? How many more? Damn it!

When I reopened my eyes, the seagull was gone. Trails of blood ran out from the wounds on my palms when the piercing claws dug into the flesh as I made my hands into fists. Druni was standing in the entrance, looking at me nervously. I gaped back. I couldn't say anything. My mind was in such a jumble conditions that I couldn't even say the word: "Hi."

She looked unhappy as she continued to gaze at me. At last, she whispered: "Tobieaz... Are you all right?"

I lowered my head as I tried to calm my pounding heart. My wings felt stiff and cold. My legs were numb. My ears were ringing. Was I all right? No... I was not all right. Not at all. I looked up and gave her a small smile. "Yes. I'm fine. You just returned from the stream?"

Nodding, she said: "Yeah. I caught a few fish while my people were away doing something else." She walked in and placed the wooden basket that was in her hands a minute ago onto a flat piece of rock. Taking out a small knife, she began to clean the fish.

I watched her movements. So nimble, so refined. I loved the way in which her long, braided hair moved with her activities. I loved the smell of her body. A scent of spring. She still wore that same animal hide three weeks ago, though she had washed them constantly. That was her only outfit. I had a pair of short and half-destroyed jeans to switch back and forth. I observed her closely. I relished the time that I could spend with her. I loved her so much.... Without warning, I was behind her. I wrapped my wings around her and grabbed her waist with my sunburnt arms. She froze with a gasp. I pushed my nose into her freshly washed hair. I made her facing me. Her eyes, green and large, stared at me with shock and astonishment.

"I love you..." I said quietly as I touched her beautiful face with a finger. "I'm so sorry that I have snapped at you a few days back. I was worried about you. I was worried that I might accidentally drop you while in the air. I'm sorry..." I closed my eyes as I rested my forehead against hers.

"Tobieaz... What... What are you talking about? What are you doing?" She stammered as I hugged her tighter. "Tobieaz..."

I reopened my eyes and gazed lovingly into her own. "Druni... I have a request and I need you to agree to it."

"But I-"

"Please, Druni. This is very important. Please say yes. Oh god, I don't want to do this, but I have no choice. I can't... I must... I must release myself into the world once again. I cannot stay like this forever. I need to finish what I have started. I need to complete, to bring a conclusion, to this adventure of mine. I have to!"

She covered her mouth with a hand. Tears brimming at the edge of her eyes. "Are you saying... Are you saying that you don't want to live with me anymore?"

"No..." I shook my head immediately. "I want to live with you forever and for always. But I can't. You know... Things have been going all over the place for me. I feel as if there isn't a place on Earth for me to peacefully live on. It's like... as if everyone's against me. However, just recently, I have realized that it's my entire fault after all. It's my problems, my mistakes. I need to solve them myself. I have been blaming my misfortunes on other people for a long, long time, Druni." I heaved a sigh. "I'm tired, Druni. I'm tired of running away. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of lying to myself. I'm tired of this, do you understand? I am tired of this life. I am spent. I cannot go on like this any longer. I have to go back. I have to face them with courage and dignity."

Only silence filled the space around us. I brought my lips against hers. We stayed like that for a couple of minutes before we parted. "Now... I am going to grant your wish. However, please remember that this will be the last time you and I will be together. No... Don't cry... Please..." I couldn't finish as she embraced me and sobbed. Tears were like rivers, flowing out of her eyes without any sort of control. My heart ached to see her like this, but it had to be done. I had to end this feverish quest of mine. A quest of no definite path and ending. I grabbed her hand and led her to the platform outside. "Come on."

We both stood there, facing the setting sun as we tried to treasure the last moments of our lives together. She gripped onto my neck with her arms and I expanded my wings. They were large. I was like an angel, ready to take flight. Waves rose, curved, folded, and crashed below us. A sprinkle of sea water splash onto our bodies. I could feel her tears flowing against my chest, my skin. I could feel her heart against mine. Both pulsing and hot with emotions. With a grunt, I dived off from the outcropping rock. Wind screamed and thundered against our ears as we dropped faster and faster toward the uneven surface of the bluish, foamy water below. Druni's hair matted with my own as she held on with all of her strength. I started to beat my wings. It was slow at first. The force of the fall was so powerful that I thought I couldn't pull up at all. I had never done this before, carrying another person with me to the heaven. I yelled while the muscles on my body were complaining with great strain. I began to flap the wings faster now, but still, we continued to drop. Now we were dangerously close to the bottom. Huge waves were nearly touching us while I tried to lift ourselves back up. The feathers were all shaking and flapping with tension. At last, with a final shout and a final swing, we skimmed above the surf and glided smoothly up into the firmament.

Rainbow colored rays of light greeted us as we reached to a considerable amount of elevation. Higher and higher, we ascended into the low, hovering clouds. I couldn't go any further since Druni could not get used to the thin atmosphere. We flied across the horizon, with the sun shining down upon us with its golden beams. Below us, a plain of blue gleamed with yellowish twinkles.

As I kept up the flapping motions, I shouted to Druni: "Don't close your eyes! Look ahead!"

At first, she was still afraid. Then, she loosened up a little and turned her head around slightly. Her eyes widened and brightened at the effulgent scene before us. Her face was filled with an expression of awe and surprise. Her mouth was opened with a wide smile. I looked down at her and saw her tears shining within the light. Seeing her happy at last, I smiled along with her, relieved. I banked to the right and we headed off toward another direction, rushing through layers of clouds. This time, we could see the entire Kelto Island. Birds of various kinds cried out as they evacuated from their resting-places. They traveled with us, displaying a divine variety of colored feathers. All of us grouped together for form a large picture of unity. Druni yelled with joy as she reached out to touch one of the birds. It chirped with shock and flew away. The rest continued to follow us. I fully extended my wings, casting a large shadow upon the land of the ExiRou People. I could imagine their consternation while they pointed at us from the ground. I laughed out loud as I dived and pulled up radically. Druni partook such a ravishing experience of being able to fly in the sky.

We were up there for a long time. The sky was ours. Only the two of us could be together quietly without other elements disturbing us. All good times must end; I returned Druni a mile away from her village as I took a short break. She redid her hair while looking at me with sadness. I ignored the lump in my throat as I hugged her with all my strength; she did so as well in return. Both of us savored the final moment of being together. Ultimately, I pulled apart and kissed her one last time. She cried as I jumped into the air and flew away.

"Bye! Tobieaz! I love you always! I love you!" She shouted as she waved her hands wildly. I nodded and grinned foolishly. Then... Her figure disappeared within the abundant mists that were in the air.

Alone once again, I neglected the tears that were flowing down my face. The funny thing was that I wasn't that dejected. The thought of returning to civilization had excited me. Even if the sea, the ocean, was enormously big, I believed that I could fly across it if I would just put my will into my strength. Soon, I would see all of them again. Soon, the journey would end. The final chapter of such exploit had been written...

~End Chapter 20~